I am midnight drunk by noon
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Randomize
