Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I just found a bag of teeth...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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