If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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