Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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