Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
