Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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