At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
