I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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