I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
