You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
