The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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