I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
