Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
