Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
