Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
