I got chris browned last night
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
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