She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
