Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
