i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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