Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
