He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize