my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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