I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
