He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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