went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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