when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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