I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
