There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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