The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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