Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
