This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
