I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
