WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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