Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
