My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
