I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
