You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
