But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize