can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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