Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
