I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize