My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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