Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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