so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
