I don't remember. Are we still dating?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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