My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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