everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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