You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
