Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Randomize
