All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
