Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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