This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Who died my cat blue again?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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