it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
