I think I died a long time ago.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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