Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
