Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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