Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
